More Jokes!

[ratan jain]

Here's a dirty one:

A blonde decides to do something she's never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

 

[ratan jain]

Re: Time to Stick my Neck Out ,Nifty 7300

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like
this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothin. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open

 

[ratan jain]

Re: Time to Stick my Neck Out ,Nifty 7300

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?)

 

[ratan jain]

Re: Time to Stick my Neck Out ,Nifty 7300

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man
thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know
anything about my business. Now give me back my DOG."

 

[ratan jain]

Re: Time to Stick my Neck Out ,Nifty 7300

How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

[ratan jain]

Re: Time to Stick my Neck Out ,Nifty 7300

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...

 

[ratan jain]

Global finance crisis explained
Origins

Some say the Global Finance Crisis (GFC) began in East Africa when a rogue monkey trader defaulted on a subprime banana futures derivative deal.

 

[ratan jain]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, Iron this."

 

[ratan jain]

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly."

 

[ratan jain]

A women asked a man who was travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours ???"


The man answered "No, I work in a condom factory & these are all customer complaints."