Only Jokes

[amit_dangi]

काम ऐसे होते हैं

तीन ठेकेदार एक पुलिया की मरम्मत के ठेके के लिए बोली लगाने पहुंचे। अधिकारी उन्हें उस पुलिया पर ले गया जिसकी मरम्मत होनी थी।
पहले ठेकेदार ने जेब से फीता निकाला, कुछ नापतौल की, कैलकुलेटर पर कुछ हिसाब लगाया और बोला - मैं इस काम को 90000 रुपए में कर दूंगा। 40000 सामग्री के लिए, 40000 मजदूरों के लिए और 10000 मेरे लिए।

दूसरे ठेकेदार ने भी नाप तौल की, कुछ हिसाब लगाया और बोला - 70000 रुपए। 30000 सामग्री के लिए और 30000 मजदूरी के। बाकी 10000 मेरे।

तीसरे ठेकेदार ने न नापतौल की न हिसाब लगाया। अधिकारी के कान के पास मुंह ले जाकर कहा - 270000 रुपए।

अधिकारी बोला - देख नहीं रहे। दूसरा 70000 में करने को तैयार है । कुछ नापतौल तो करो, हिसाब तो लगाओ तब बोलो।

तीसरा ठेकेदार फिर उसके कान में फुसफुसाया - पूरी बात तो सुनिए ...... । एक लाख मेरे, एक लाख आपके और 70000 दूसरे वाले ठेकेदार के लिए जो यह काम करके देगा।

और ठेका तीसरे ठेकेदार को दे दिया गया...... ।

:clap: :rofl: :yahoo: :clapping:

 

[amit_dangi]

प्रेमिका - तुम कहते हो कि मेरे लिए मौत का भी सामना कर सकते हो तो जरा उस खूंखार सांड़ के सामने खड़े होकर तो दिखाओ ।

प्रेमी - लेकिन अभी उसकी मौत कहां हुई है ..... ?


:clap: :yahoo: :clapping:

 

[amit_dangi]

नेताजी - 1

नेताजी - क्या आपके अखबार ने यह छापा था कि मैं झूठा और बेईमान हूं ?

संपादक - नहीं ।

नेताजी - इस शहर के किसी अखबार ने ऐसा जरूर छापा है । मेरे लोग मुझे गलत सूचना नहीं दे सकते ।

संपादक - हो सकता है किसी अखबार ने छाप दिया हो। हम लोग पुरानी खबरें कभी नहीं छापते
....

 

[amit_dangi]

Rabri was walking on a beach when she found a bottle. She opened it to see what was inside. Out came a Genie with three wishes as usual.

Genie: You can have any three wishes. But remember whatever you ask, your husband will get the same thing ten times more.

Rabri: Make me the most beautiful woman on earth.

Genie: Remember that Laloo will get the same treatment, ten times. All the girls will be after him.

Rabri: That's all right. Where will Laloo go? After all I will be the most beautiful woman, so he will always be running after me.

The Genie waves his hand and Rabri becomes the most beautiful woman on earth.

Genie: What is your next wish?

Rabri: Make me the richest woman on earth.

Genie: Remember that Laloo will get ten times what you get.

Rabri: That's all right. All that's his is mine anyway.

The Genie again waves his hand and it is done.

Genie: What is your third wish?

Rabri: Give a mild heart attack.

 

[integrity]

 

[amit_dangi]

लड़ाई

शादी के कुछ दिन बाद ही बेटी ने अपनी मां को फोन किया - मां, मेरी उनसे लड़ाई हो गई है .... !!!

मां ने समझाया - बेटी, नई-नई शादी हुई है ना, तो कभी-कभी झगड़े हो जाते हैं..... !!! तू फिकर मत कर, सब ठीक हो जाएगा ।

बेटी - वो तो ठीक है मां, पर अभी तो इस लाश का क्या करूं ...... !!!

 

[amit_dangi]

 

[integrity]

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood.

The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.

The Arab replied "Bapu.....now I have Gujju blood in my veins!"

 

[sush21]

A Santa was down on his luck. In order to raise some money, he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

He then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put 2 lakhs in cash in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Santa ."

The Santa then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Santa checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

He opened the bag and found the exact amount of money as demanded with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardar?"

:clapping::clapping::clapping:

classic one...:rofl:

 

[integrity]

Indians to be sent on Moon

Manmohan Singh to Bush We are sending Indians to the moon next year.

Bush Wow! How Many?

Manmohan Singh - 100

25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians

and if possible 1 Astronnaut