Collected from the Net

[Debraj]

JUST A PUSH
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door........

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the
morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and
it is pouring with rain outside!!

His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you
still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing!!", replies the drunk.

 

[Debraj]

Application Form For "Lok Sabha Election"


1.Name of Candidate: _______________________

2.Present Address:
(i.) Name of Jail: _______________________
(ii.) Cell Number: _______________________

3.Political Party: _______________________ *List ONLY the Last Five
parties in Chronological (Order)

4.Sex: [ ]
A- Male
B- Female
C- Mayawati
D- Uma Bharathi

5.Nationality: [ ]
A- Italian
B- Indian

6.Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A- Defected
B- Expelled
C- Bought out
D- None of above
E- All of above

7.Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A- To make money
B- To escape court trial
C- To grossly misuse power
D- To serve the public
E- I have no clue
(If you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized
Government Psychiatrist)

8.How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A- 1-2 yrs
B- 2-6yrs
C- 6-15yrs
D- 15+yrs

9.Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many
Additional Sheets as you want)

10.How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
(Do not confuse with question 8)
A- 1-2 years
B- 2-6 years
C- 6-15 years
D- 15+years

11.Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A- Why not
B- Of Course
C- Definitely
D- I deny it all
E- I see a foreign hand.

12.What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A- 100-500 Cores
B- 500-1000 Cores
C- Overflow...
(Convert all your $ earning from Hawalat etc to Rupees)

13.Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind?
[]
A- No
B- No
C- No
D- No

14.Describe your achievements in space provided:
[_________]

 

[ashwanyks]

Would u like to invest in this company ?

 

[AMITBE]

Something to think about

Think about this one...


Next month on the 4th at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be

01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

Thank you... you may now return to your (normal?) life.

 

[Debraj]

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a
razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you
done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
_____
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just
can't stop my hands
shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
_____
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the
violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
_____
Man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife
is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her
husband!"
_____
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad
news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad
news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could
be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since
yesterday.
_____
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes
out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying
and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?"
the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks
desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
_____
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a
cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right
ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
_____
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of
pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the
woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor,
"be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index
finger and yelled, "Ow,
that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and
again yelled, "Ouch!
That
hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,
"Ow, even THAT hurts",
she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment
and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken finger

 

[Debraj]

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

So he took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

[ashwanyks]

LEARNING A LESSON FROM DONKEY'S LIFE



One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hour as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered
up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He
invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed
a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer
finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With
every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something
amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's
neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake
it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, every one was amazed as the
donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.



Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells
just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

 

[cemcompusoft]

A NOTE FROM Mr. X to His Boss Mr. Y, about his subordinate Mr ABC

Sent at 10.30 AM -
1 Mr ABC, my UDC , can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk . He works independently , without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Mr.ABC never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees , and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping Lunch
7 breaks. He is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Mr. ABC can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Mr. ABC be
12 promoted to Office Superintendent , and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.


Sent at 4.30 PM
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.