Jokes, Humours and shayaris !!!!!!

Originally Posted by Bharat-Rakshak NRao

1. Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense

included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan :

2. This was the scenario................

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns. Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely.
The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a re-launch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government cannot take such a
decision because elections are at hand.

The Election Commission files Public Interest Litigation in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power. The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting! PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the
nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building in Islamabad at 11.00 AM. Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. In any case, the
nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight. The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA .

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties agree. Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come out against theGovernment's decision. Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organized. In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from US A) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits it original destination: Russia. Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad . The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

Thus India never gets to launch the missile.

Pakistan never gets it right.

Originally Posted by uasish

Hope it happens like that,sometimes i dont envy the Mumbaites & Delhites being a Kolkattan.

Originally Posted by Bharat-Rakshak

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was
waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight
mini skirt.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she
became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up
to

the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a
quick
smile to the bus Driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still
could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a
second time
she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could
not
raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to
the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more
slack and again was unable to make ! the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked
her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the
bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at
him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ".

At this the Texan drawled,"Well ma'am, normally I would agree with
you but after you unzipped my pants three times, I kinda figured we
were friends".

Originally Posted by Bharat-Rakshak

A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the Sardarji, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

But we didn't use them", the Sardarji complains.

Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says But we didn't go to any of those
shows," sardarji complains again .

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter
what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies "But we didn't use it"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $1.00"

"That's right," says the sardarji, "I charged you $349 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the Sardarji replies, "she
was here, and you could have."

Originally Posted by Bharat-Rakshak

A Gujrati, a Madrasi and a sardaar were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were having lunch and Gujju said, "Dhokla! If I get dhokla one more
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sambhar again! If I
get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."

The sardaar opened his lunch and said, "Parontha again! If I get a parontha
one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his
death.

The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too.

The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as
well.


At the funeral, Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa! I
didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar's wife.






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The sardaar's wife said,

"Don't look at me.

He makes his own lunch."

Originally Posted by Bharat-Rakshak

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married
life?"



Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect
to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."



X asked, "Can you explain?"



Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my
wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's
decisions."



Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"



Y said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount
to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc
are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"



X asked, "Then what is your role?"



Y said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether
America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over
Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar
should retire etc etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to
any of these".