Jokes, Humours and shayaris !!!!!!

Subject: our leaders


The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C.
travel agent of 30+ years:

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane
so
that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is
in Africa."
Her response ...(click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the
map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could
rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only
a
one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a
car, he said, "I heard Dallas! was a big airport, and we will need a car
to
drive between the gates to save time."


An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at
8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but
she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I
said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight, I
think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I
"looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting
a
destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which
he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn
planes
have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have
to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly
to
Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times
and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough,
his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from
Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally,
the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you
have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of
the
state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

ganeshhity

The following is a true story that happened just a few years ago at USC.

STAND UP!!!

There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn’t exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can’t do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn’t exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.

Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.

Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God’s love for them and of His power through Jesus.


ganeshhity

Not only have I stood up, but also at attention!!
Excellent true story!

I totally agree that as sure as there is a Sun, Moon & Stars, there is a Eternal & Almighty God, despite the contrary views prevalent in our wide world.

Reminds me of the Atheist who all thru his life believed & preached there was NO GOD, yet when finally he was breathing his last breath, his very last words were ......... OH GOD!!!!!!!

Wow !!!!

Abhay (AAD)

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Melbourne at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

lol lol

Saint

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the
conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes,
one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket
please."

ganeshhity

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"


ganeshhity

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

ganeshhity

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?


ganeshhity