Jokes, Humours and shayaris !!!!!!

100% dear Ganesh

Pankaj

The company has put this on notice board......

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

ganeshhity

Hi ganesh,

Keep it going. Explaining fundamentals,business,markets with a dose of humor.
Well you have got people's attention.

Cheers,
vedavyas

Hi Ganesh

Your COMPANY is terrific
Pankaj

The market has seen a deep downside today....
I pray, the people recover money soon


In all phases of darkness,
when nothing goes right.....
When everything seems slipping out of your hands...

remember...God is always there to help you out.


ganeshhity

Hi All,

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Rahul

Another One..hope u all like it

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days
at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Rahul

Have a look at this quote
Arguing with boss is like wrestling with pig in mud. After a while you notice that you are getting muddier, the pig is actually enjoying the whole thing.

If you cannot have the girl you love...

just love the girl you have

ganeshhity

ABOUT MARRIAGE -

recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette
================================================== =======
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
================================================== =======
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
================================================== =======
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Dumas
================================================== =======
The great question... which I have not been able to answer....is, "What
does a woman want?
- Freud
================================================== =======
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
================================================== =======
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman
================================================== =======
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
================================================== =======
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
================================================== =======
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second
one didn't."
- Patrick Murray
================================================== =======
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get
married!
================================================== =======
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would
have preferred.
================================================== =======
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
================================================== =======
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash
================================================== =======
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
================================================== =======
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
================================================== =======
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
================================================== =======
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Anonymous
================================================== =======

WHAT IS MARRIAGE???

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution
for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree
and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and
suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the
NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You
order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish
you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found
himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found
himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and
the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know
son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son,
EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.

16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in
Europe.

17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just
can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the
marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only
seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL
HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT
HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.


25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you
get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR
RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE
WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
ends up with the same boss.


29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he
received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN
HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

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