Jokes, Humours and shayaris !!!!!!

Funny Tongue Twister Phrases

He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers

Frivolous fat Fannie fried fresh fish furiously

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.

A big black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?

Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.

The winkle ship sank and the shrimp ship swam.

Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.

Hi-Tech Traveling Tractor Trailor Truck Tracker

How many yaks could a yak pack pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

Nick knits Nixon's knickers.

Funny Tongue Twister Poems

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's mate,
And I'm only plucking pheasants 'cause the pheasant plucker's late.
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come.

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?

A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to marry a lady named Phoebe
"But," he said. "I must see
What the minister's fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee"

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood.

I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

A skunk sat on a stump.
The stump thought the skunk stunk.
The skunk thought the stump stunk .
What stunk the skunk or the stump?

If one doctor doctors another doctor
Does the doctor who doctors the doctor
Doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors?
Or does the doctor doctor the way
The doctor who doctors doctors?

The doctoring doctor doctors the doctor the way
The doctoring doctor wants to doctor the doctor.
Not the way the doctored doctor wants to be doctored.

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

I cannot bear to see a bear
Bear down upon a hare.
When bare of hair he strips the hare,
Right there I cry, "Forbear!"

If Freaky Fred Found Fifty Feet of Fruit
And Fed Forty Feet to his Friend Frank
How many Feet of Fruit did Freaky Fred Find?
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie
Pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch
Or framing his famed French finch photos?


Dr. Johnson and Mr. Johnson,
After great consideration,
Came to the conclusion
That the Indian nation
Beyond the Indian Ocean
Is back in education
Because the chief occupation is cultivation.

A tree toad loved a she-toad
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a two-toed tree toad
But a three-toed toad was she.
The two-toed tree toad tried to win
The three-toed she-toad's heart,
For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground
That the three-toed tree toad trod.
But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower
With her three-toed power
The she-toad vetoed him.

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
Sheep should sleep in a shed.

You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.

Of all the felt I ever felt,
I never felt a piece of felt
Which felt as fine as that felt felt,
When first I felt that felt hat's felt.

A flea and a fly in a flue
Said the fly "Oh what should we do"
Said the flea" Let us fly
Said the fly"Let us flee"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue

If a Hottentot taught
A Hottentot tot to talk
Ere the tot could totter,
Ought the Hottentot tot
Be taught to say ought or naught
Or what ought to be taught 'er?

Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott.
So, Ed Nott was shot and that's hot! Is it not?

Bitty Batter bought some butter
“But,” said she, “this butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter,
It will make my batter bitter.”
So she bought some better butter,
And she put the better butter in the bitter batter,
And made the bitter batter better.

Things Children Say

Who caused that white hair?
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"


A Wise Little Girl
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." When the minister spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Too Rough
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Kissing on the Playground
An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

That Baby in There
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Bathroom Breaks
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Tithing...
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Saying Grace
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Children in Church
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

Pastor's Kids
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Parenting
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

First Things First
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was,"No!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Wittle Wabbits
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby? Or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."

This is how the stock market works !!!!!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief
if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a
modern society,he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at
the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on
the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and
that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being
a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth,
called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be
cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called
the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely
going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people
and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to
e very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to
be one of the coldest winters ever.""How can you be so
sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood
like crazy."

ganeshhity

sardar is traveling on train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he's made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what's been going on. The TC, which also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out.

Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar "I'm sorry, I can't do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member".

ganeshhity

THIS IS HOW STOCK MARKET WORKS !!!!!

Once upon a time in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50! However, since had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50."

The villagers queued up with all their saving to buy the monkeys.

Phir na woh aadmi mila na us ka assistant........... Sirf bandar hee bandar.....

Take Care

Ganeshhity

Why men are smarter then women......



I guess the below joke is for Guys..though girls too can read it!!! ;-)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers: Please scroll down.








































































































































































































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.





Ho ho ho HA ha ha



ganeshhity

For a moment, life could be still...

But never in a lifetime, can a moment be still...

LIVE EVERY MOMENT !!!!!

ganeshhity

Case 1

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out
that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the
writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12
million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range
from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.

Case 2

One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the
case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan's biggest
cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the
soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the
same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but
instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial
electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan
on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out
of the line.

Case 3


A huge truck loaded with containers got stuck under a bridge of a small road. The problem was just in a few millimeters. This has created a traffic jam. Drivers were coming out of their cars. All had been thinking what to do. Nobody had a solution. A kid was passing by on a bicycle. He stopped to see what the hullabaloo was about. After observing the situation, he immediately proposed the truck driver to deflate the tires to the extend that it could pass through easily. The solution was rather simple but adults with their conventional thinking process could not produce it!


Moral : Always look for simple solutions.

Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems

Always Focus on solutions & not on problems

So the end of the day the thing that really matters is HOW ONE LOOK INTO THE PROBLEM, mere perceptions can solve the tough probs...

(This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.)


Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.
Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.
Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.
All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder. A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in
the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.


ganeshhity