Jokes, Humours and shayaris !!!!!!

Struggle

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a
small opening appeared. He sat and watched the
butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its
body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop
making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten
as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took
a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit
of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a
swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because
he expected that, at any moment, the wings would
enlarge and expand to be able to support the
body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the
rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body
and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not
understand was that the restricting cocoon and
the struggle required for the butterfly to get
through the tiny opening were God's way of
forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into
its wings so that it would be ready for flight
once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in
our lives. If God allowed us to go through our
lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as what we could
have been. We could never "fly"!

The Dumbest Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,

then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Darling, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Darling, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "DEAREST !!!, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: "JUMP!"

And the frog lept.

The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: "Frogs can jump." The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump with three legs."

The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

The scientist then added to his previous observations: "Frogs can jump with two legs."

On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: "JUMP!"

And the frog jumped.

Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: "Frogs can jump with only one leg!"

Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: "JUMP!"

But alas the frog did not leap.

"JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist.

Still, the frog did not leap.

"JUMP!" yelled the scientist.

The frog did not leap.

The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: "Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf."

Touchee .......

Always nice to see you here...pllleeeeeeeej keep bhisiting

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why for many does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a person who invests our money called a broker?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why don't psychics win all of the lotteries?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why is bottled lemon juice made with artificial flavors but dish washing liquid made with "real" lemons?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Why do we call it boxing rings,even though they are square??

Because boxers used to fight in a circle drawn on the floor, called the ring. This name stuck On even after the boxing ring became a square

English is a Crazy Language

English is the most widely spoken language in the history of our planet, used in some way by at least one out of every seven human beings around the globe. Half of the world's books are written in English, and the majority of international telephone calls are made in English. English is the language of over sixty percent of the world's radio programs. More than seventy percent of international mail is written and addressed in English, and eighty percent of all computer text is stored in English. English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world's languages, perhaps as many as two million words, and has generated one of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human race.
Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy language -- the most lunatic and loopy and wifty and wiggy of all languages. In the crazy English language, the blackbird hen is brown, blackboards can be green or blue, and blackberries are green and then red before they are ripe. Even if blackberries were really black and blueberries really blue, what are strawberries, cranberries, elderberries, huckleberries, raspberries, and gooseberries supposed to look like?

To add to this insanity there is no butter in buttermilk, no egg in eggplant, no grape in grapefruit, no bread in shortbread, neither worms nor wood in wormwood, neither mush nor room in mushroom, neither pine nor apple in pineapple, neither peas nor nuts in peanuts, and no ham in a hamburger. (In fact, if somebody invented a sandwich consisting of a ham patty in a bun, we would have a hard time finding a name for it.)

To make matters worse, English muffins weren't invented in England, french fries in France, or Danish pastries in Denmark. And we discover even more culinary madness in the relevations that sweetmeat is made from fruit, while sweetbread, which isn't sweet, is made from meat.

In this unreliable English tongue, greyhounds aren't always grey (or gray); panda bears and koala bears aren't bears (they're marsupials); a woodchuck is a groundhog, which is not a hog; a horned toad is a lizard; glowworms are fireflies, but fireflies are not flies (they're beetles); ladybugs and lightning bugs are also beetles (and to propogate, a significant proportion of ladybugs must be male); a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea (it's a South American rodent); and a titmouse is neither mammal nor mammaried.

Language is like the air we breathe. It's invisible, inescapable, indispensable, and we take it for granted. But, when we take the time to step back and listen to the sounds that escape from the holes in people's faces and to ex- plore the paradoxes and vagaries of English, we find that hot dogs can be cold, darkrooms can be lit, homework can be done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while morning sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are girls and midwives can be men, hours -- especially happy hours and rush hours -- often last longer than sixty minutes, quick- sand works very slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses can be made of plastic and tablecloths of paper, most telephones are dialed by being punched (or pushed?), and most bathrooms don't have any baths in them. In fact, a dog can go to the bathroom under a tree -- no bath, no room; it's still going to the bathroom. And doesn't it seem a little bizarre that we go to the bathroom in order to go to the bathroom?

Why is it that a woman can man a station but as man can't woman one, that a man can father a movement but a woman can't mother one, and that a king rules a kingdom but a queen doesn't rule a queendom? How did all those Renaissance men reproduce when there don't seem to have been any Renaissance women?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, haberdashers don't haberdash, hammers don't ham, and humdingers don't humding.

If the plural of tooth is teeth , shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth ? One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese? One index, two indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices? If people ring a bell today and rang a bell yesterday, why don't we say that they flang a ball? If they wrote a letter, perhaps they also bote their tongue. If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught? Why is it that the sun shone yesterday while I shined my shoes, that I treaded water and then trod on the beach, and that I flew out to see a World Series game in which my favorite player flied out?

If we conceive a conception and receive at a reception, why don't we grieve a greption and believe a beleption? If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's hair brush from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made? If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil is made from olives, what do they make baby oil from? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? (And I'm beginning to worry about those authoritarians.)

And if pro and con are opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?

Pooooooooof,..........pleeeej pleeej..tell me why why why.......:D