Jokes, Humours and shayaris !!!!!!

The First Step
Your first step is all that it takes to reach success.
It shows your faith in your dreams.
It shows you belief in yourself.
It shows you have courage to move ahead.

I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have
forwarded chain letters to me in 2008.

Because of your kindness:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for
removing
toilet stains.

I stopped eating apples for fear that it might have been cut by a fruit-seller having an open wound on his hands & is suffering from AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause
cancer.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
dial a
stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to
Uganda ,
Singapore and Tokyo .

I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get
sick from
the rat **** and urine.

When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she
is, for
fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys
and leave
me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was
about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been
7 since
1993...)

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a
paid
vacation to Disneyland .

Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh
Vandana,
Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..

Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!

You can add your own notes based on your similar experience and send
them to
your friends.

If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me
"Orkut is
deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I'll delete my
E-Mail
account!

And last but not the least….


I have daily checked my ATM balance to see if Bill Gates have shared some of his fortune with me for sending those crap "BillGates is sharing his fortune'' emails but nothing happened...


No Thanks & No Regards whatsoever,
A Totally Frustrated Software Engineer.



IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you send this e-mail to at least 28,269,433 people in the next 10 seconds,
Tomorrow will be Today ...

This picture shows a rock on a sea in Birmania,
it is only possible to see this once in a year with
a particular angle of SUN and special light conditions.






Click on the picture to see the rock turning into ............

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

TOP 10 HINDI FILMS DIALOGUE
10. Kuttay, Kameenay mai tumhe jaan se maar doonga
9. Mai tumhara ehasaan zindagi bhar nahin bhuloonga
8. Itnay paisay tum kahan se laaye?
7. Main tumharay bina mar jaa-oongi.
6. Bacchhhaaaaaooooo.....
5. Yeh anyay hai bhagwan
4. Bataoo, heeray kahan hai.
3. Tum may-re liye mar chuke ho.
2. Police meeray peechay lagi hui hai.
----> And the number one statement is .....


1. Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon.


Here are the best of the rest...
- Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain
- lo...muh meetha kar lo
- mein yeh shaadi nahin hone doongi
- aaj pinky ka janam din hai
- yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib
- Bhaiya !!!!!!!!!!
- Ma, tum kitni achchi ho
- Aaj mein bahut khush hoon
(usually to be followed by a tragicturn of events)
- arre isse to tez bukhar hai
- Nikal jaa mere ghar say...
- Hatoe naa, log kiya kahengay
- khabardaar joe mujhay haat bhee lagaya

and the best:
- tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ...
- gurkha, ise dhakke maarke bahar nikal do.
- Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya..
- Ab tumari maa hamare kabze main hai
- Pulis ko tum jaise naujawanon par naaz hai
- Driver, gaadi roko
- Tum jaise gandi naali ke keede....
- Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta"
- aur ye bechari begunnah hai. That's all, your honor
- tazeerat-e-hind , dafa 302 ke tahat,
mulzim ko maut ki sazasunai jaati hai.
- Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai
- Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe
- (hero/heroine opening their eyes on a hospital bed)
Main kahan hun?

- Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha?
- "Maa main first class first pass ho gaya hu"
followed by the jug jug jiyo beta
- "Yeh sauda thumhe bahut mehenga padega" ??
- Bhagwan, maine aaj tak tumse kuch nahin manga,
aaj pahli baarkuch maang........
- KANOON KE HAATH BAHUT LUMBE HOTE HAIN
- Aey jee! Aap bade woh haiN!

My father might have survived had i known this earler!! Thanks any way dear.

10 Rules for Bollywood Film Making

1. Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).

2. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.

3. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

4. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.

5. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

6. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.

7. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).

8. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

9. Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.

10. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax

13 Things About You


1. Someone in this world Loves you, in some way.

2. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they
don't like you.

3. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to
sleep.

4. You mean the world to someone.

5. Without you, someone may not be living.

6. You are special and unique, in your own way.

7. Someone that you don't know even exists loves you.

8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes
from it.

9. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a
look, you most likely turned your back on the world.

10. When you think you have no chance at getting what you want,
you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself,
you probably sooner or later will get it.

11. Always remember complements you received, forget about the
rude remarks.

12.Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel
much better when they know.

13,If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know
that they are great.

If you choose, send this to as
many people as you care about, you’ll brighten up someone's
day, and might change their perspective on life, for the better.

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour."

"Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?"
The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.

"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.50 you asked for." The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have Rs.100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."



But even better, share Rs.100 worth of time with someone you love. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close ! to our hearts.

An old legend relates that long ago God had a great many burdens which He wished to have carried from one place to another on earth, so He asked the animals to lend a hand. But all of them began to make excuses for not helping: the elephant was too dignified; the lion, too proud; and so on. Finally the birds came to God and said, "If you will tie the burdens into small bundles, we'll be glad to carry them for you. We are small but we would like to help."






So God fastened upon the back of each one a small bundle, and they all set out walking across the plain to their destination. They sang as they went, and did not seem to feel the weight of their burdens at all. Every day the burdens seemed lighter and lighter, until the loads seems to be lifting the birds, instead of the birds carrying the burdens.










When they arrived at their destination, they discovered that when they removed their loads, there were wings in their place, wings which enabled them to fly to the sky and the tree tops.





They had learned how to carry their burdens, and their loads had become wings to carry them nearer to God.





Burdens we carry for others may become wings of the spirit, to lift us into happiness such as we have never known