Humor

jaideep · #31 30th October 2005, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amarnath

Smart Kid

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was .....The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself." So did I

Amarnath my friend, you've got my sides splitting again. A little blue no doubt but what the heck! It makes good alternative reading with no vulgarity intended. Good for a thousand laughs & more. Thanks Traderji for keeping this in. You too are one heck of a moderator Sir.

jaideep · #32 30th October 2005, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kravindran

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?......
It ends.

Ravi, what do I say? You pick the superlatives here that I must post. Incredible!!! is all that I'll say for now.

Karuna · #33 31st October 2005, 12:08 AM

Thanks Jaideep.

Here's some more, this time related to the Stock Market :

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Karuna · #34 31st October 2005, 12:13 AM

Here's some more :

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth Rs 33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth Rs 8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Karuna · #35 2nd November 2005, 01:20 PM

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that
I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Saint · #36 2nd November 2005, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kravindran

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that
I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

lol

.......!!

james · #37 13th November 2005, 10:50 PM

Nice thread keep it up.

Karuna · #38 14th November 2005, 12:42 AM

Thank you, James.

Here's some more :

Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

Saint · #39 14th November 2005, 12:28 PM

lol Karuna...

Karuna · #40 14th November 2005, 12:43 PM

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called
her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief
examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet.
Isn't there anything else you can do?'

Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we
can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage
with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to
the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the
cage.

'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman
sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'

'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.

'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost
Rs.1100?

'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and
Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'

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