Humor

jumboninja · #**271** 3rd March 2007, 10:19 AM

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''

The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

jumboninja · #**272** 3rd March 2007, 10:22 AM

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

jumboninja · #**273** 3rd March 2007, 10:25 AM

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

jumboninja · #**274** 3rd March 2007, 10:26 AM

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

jumboninja · #**275** 3rd March 2007, 10:28 AM

One Sunday, my priest asked if I could cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. I agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" I said. "You sly devil. That'll be three hail mary's, plus five bucks."

"Thank you, Father." Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."
"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 hail mary's, plus fourteen bucks."
"Thank you, Father." This was easy, I thought. I can handle this. Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex."
"Butt-sex, huh?" I looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there. I excused myself to see if I could get some help. I found a choir boy hanging out on the steps of the church.
"Excuse me," I said. "What does Father Matthew give for buttsex?"
"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."

jumboninja · #**276** 3rd March 2007, 10:29 AM

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.
She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..."

The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!"

jumboninja · #**277** 3rd March 2007, 10:30 AM

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''

jumboninja · #**278** 3rd March 2007, 10:32 AM

What does a Barbie Doll and Britney Spears have in common?
They're both 100 percent sILICON.

jumboninja · #**279** 3rd March 2007, 10:33 AM

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

jumboninja · #**280** 3rd March 2007, 10:38 AM

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

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