Humor

The Blonde Glossary Of Medical Terms


Acute: Opposite of an ugly.

Adenoid: Domino's Pizza character.

Advil: Used to hammer things on.

AIDS: Helpers or Assistants. Anally Occurring yearly.

Aphrodisiac: An African disc jockey.

Artery: Study of fine paintings.

Aspirin: Having great ambitions.

Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.

Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.

Benign: What you are after you be eight.

Blood: A type of Gang.

Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U.

Bruise: A six-pack.

Cesarean Section: A district in Rome.

Capsule: A space ship.

Catheter: String instruments.

Cat Scan: Searching for kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Clitoris: A type of flower.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Condom: Apartment complex.

Congenital: Friendly.

Concussion: A prisoner's sofa pillow.

Constipation: An important U.S. document.

D&C: Where Washington is.

Diaphragm: A drawing in geometry.

Diarrhea: Journal of daily events.

Dilate: To live long.

Dildo: Variety of sweet pickle.

Douche: Italian word for "12."

Enema: Not a friend.

Erection: When the Japanese vote.

Femur: Not a Male.

Fester: Quicker.

Fibula: Small lie.

Fracture: A number less than one.

Genital: Non-Jewish.

G.I. Series: Baseball series for soldiers.

Grippe: Suit case.

Hair: Rodent with long ears.

Hangnail: Coat hook.

Heart: Bow & Arrow target.

High Colonic: Jewish religious holiday.

Hospital: An unknown person ejecting saliva.

Immune: Congressional perk.

Impotent: Distinguished; well known.

Infection: Russians coming to the U.S.

Intense pain: Torture in a teepee.

Intestines: Beta version of forks.

Jaundice: To include in a group.

Jaw: A shark without as much teeth.

Joint: A location or place.

Kinesthetics: A relationship towards relatives.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Laceration: Dainty material allotment.

Leper: A wild cat.

Lesbian: Person from the Middle East.

Lesion: A unit of Roman Army.

Loin: Not fat.

Lymph: A special Fairy.

Lymph Node: Where special Fairy lives.

Major Operation: A job for the Major.

Malaria: Several shopping Stores.

Mammogram: A telegram to Mom.

Manic Depressive: A man pressed down to the floor.

Medical Staff: Doctor's cane.

Medicare: A partial care.

Meningitis: Getting a Man.

Menstrual cycle: Bloody vehicle for men.

Menstruation: Male Model display.

Midwife: Second wife in three marriages.

Migraine: Not your wheat.

Minor Operation: Coal digging.

Miscarriage: Firing a Rifle and missing a target.

Morbid: Higher offer.

Mucus: Not quite in focus.

Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate.

Node: Was aware of.

Organic: Musical.

Orgasm: Person who accompanies the church choir.

Outpatient: Person who has fainted.

Ovaries: French egg dish made with cheese.

Papsmear: Fatherhood

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Testicles: Sucking sacks found on an octopus.

Tibia: Country in North Africa.

Tumor: More than one.

Ultrasound: A loud noise.

Umbilical Cord: Part of a parachute.

Urine: Opposite of "You're Out."

Vagina: Heart trouble.

Varicose: Near by.

Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other.

Vein: Conceited.

Weak: Seven days.

Zit: Dog Command.

Imagine this ...

You are driving alone in your car on a wild, stormy night, it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...
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This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;

* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect hence to pay him back.

* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
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He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to think outside the box.



Best regards,

Abhay (AAD)

Think outside the box
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

1.Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar : Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR

2 - Teacher to Sardar: Write your best friend's name in English.
Sardar wrote: ' Beautiful Red Underwear'
Teacher: What?
Sardar: His name is Sundar Lal Sheddy

3 - Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

4 - After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

5 - One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

6 - Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is jayanthi.

7 - Sardar was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told
WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walked. Suddenly sardar said loudly, " I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

8 - When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, " You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.

9 - Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this the manager asked what was he doing. Sardar pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"

10 - Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar : its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

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Posted just for week-end fun. do not mean an insult to anyone or group.

dear murthymsr
that is a very good collection on sardars (i.e. us). actually i
would be the last person to mind a gesture that makes others smile.
and i add some more:

1. Ek dost ne sardar se poocha "yaar tu hamesha foreign channel kyon
dekhta rehta."
Sardar "yaar kuch bijli unki bhi kharcha hone do."

2.Fourhightech sardar inventions:
---Waterproof towel
---Solar powered torch
---Book on how to read
---Pedal powered wheel chair.

3. Why did sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess
what
---To avoid side effect!!!

4. Sardar ke bagiche me bahut pedh the. Sardar ne naukar se bola
pedho ko
pani dal.
Naukar bola "sahib barish ho rahi hai"
sardar : abe budhu chatri pakdke dal na".

5.
Man:sardarji where were u born?
sardarji: punjab.
man: which part.
Sardar: oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in
punjab".

6. Lawyer to sardar: Gita pe haath laga kar kaho ke
---Sardar :yeh kya, sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab fir
gita pe haath.

6. Ek teacher ne sardar se puchha
"akal badhi ya bhais "
Sardar bola "sir pehle date of birth to batao".

7. Sardar proposed to a girl.
Girl said I'm 1year elder to u.
Sardar said "oye no problem soniyee I'll marry u next year".

8. Why was sardarji writing the exam near the door bcoz it was an
entrance
exam.

9.
Banta's son:dad there is some one on the door 2 collect donations
for a
swimming pool.
Banta: give him a glass of water.

10.
Santa:I am a proud sardar, my son is in medical college.
Banta: really what is he studying?
santa: he is not studying they r studying him.

[quote=tarspark@*****.com;61308]dear murthymsr
that is a very good collection on sardars (i.e. us). actually i
would be the last person to mind a gesture that makes others smile.
and i add some more:
.........

dear tarspark,
thanks for your collection.

to laugh is good for health.
to make others laugh is a geture.
to enjoy being the subject of laugh is the greatest of all virtues.

while in Bhatinda many years abck, i had a good friend, whom i remembered while reading your posts. any party without jokes by him was no party at all.

thanks for the sportiveness. i was in double mind while posting this collection received through internet from a friend of mine. but now i am relieved.

all the best in market and in life.
murthymsr

.

An Article from ET:

Waiting for Godot

Musings of a prospective stock investor who built his castles in the air but ended up missing the bus during the current rally
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>

I AM angry, and really so. I can’t take it anymore. The Sensex at 14000 was the last straw. What do you make of it? Like one billion other fools who wait patiently for a victory by the Indian cricket team, I’ve been waiting for this animal called ‘bear’ to re-enter the market for the past four months. And all this because the venerable analysts at leading newspapers and so-called experts on business channels have been advising small investors like me to stay away from the market and wait for a major correction to enter the market.

Never have two market analysts agreed on one thing. So in August when all analysts predicted in unison a free fall in the market “anytime now” I thought I must listen. This was when the Sensex hovered over 11000. They advised unsuspecting retail investors like me to wait for the “imminent correction” to enter the market and make a killing. It’s four months now, and instead of making a killing, this wait is killing me.

I have lost count of the nights of sleep I lost dreaming of the kind of money I would make from the market and what I would do with it. I couldn’t wait to join the club of the wealthy and talk to my more privileged bosses on equal terms. The stories of the changed lifestyles of people who made it big on Dalal Street used to haunt me. The sight of such worthies who ride past in their Mercs and BMWs was unsettling. Forget BMWs, now I would be okay with even a second-hand Bajaj Chetak scooter.

And look what happened. As though to make these market experts look sheepish, the Sensex has been crossing milestones after milestones. Whoever said small investors should follow the advice of market experts certainly has some axe to grind.

It’s not that these analysts were speaking out of thin air. Only they had strange and sometimes contradictory reasons to predict a market crash. Some of them had a few numbers to back them. In the process they proved the Newton’s law: for every market analyst, there is an equal and opposite analyst. While some said, market is overheated, and therefore must fall, others took refuge in (ironically) Newton’s law of gravity: what goes up must come down.

There were also a few trend analysis specialists. In their enthusiasm to back their claim, this breed cited historical data and said that the markets worldwide have fallen in October for the past 50 years. Doesn’t history repeat? Sensible, I thought, and went through the month only to witness the index whizzing past the 12000 mark.

The more enterprising of the lot dug out facts and put forward spreadsheets to prove that the market breadth (whatever that means) was too weak and that volumes have dried up. They also pulled out some FII data to show that FIIs were packing up and local mutual funds have invested their last penny in the market leaving them with no funds to keep the show going. Such data was enough to charge me up. The build-up to the market crash was so thoroughly researched that for a moment one thought ‘The Da Vinci Code’ was a no-brainer. Like the wily fox, I smelled blood on the Street and consolidated my savings ready to pounce on the market. And just as author Dan Brown disappointed you with an implausible end, the promised crash proved to be a chimera and before you blinked, the Sensex had crossed 13000.

If you thought such serial failures would bring this breed to their senses, I would advise you bet the Indian team will win a match in South Africa, Saurav Ganguly’s presence notwithstanding. You’d stand a better chance there. And come to think of it, these gentlemen have the nerve to keep a straight face even in the face of a series of ‘wardrobe malfunctions’. At some point, I also began to wonder whether these analysts are holding short positions on some stocks.

By now, I had more or less made up my mind to ignore such worthies and plunge into the market anyway had it not been for some real sign of weakness I noticed in the market in the 13K days. The perpetual optimist that I am, I thought the analysts had a point after all. The market, I thought, could fall by at least 1000 points if not the 2000-point ‘bear phase’ predicted by them in November. But that was not to be. After flirting with the bears for a short while, the journey resumed leaving me stranded once again. And look where the Sensex has reached. It has kissed the 14000 level without a bruise. It is obvious whoever called Iran, North Korea and Iraq the axis of evil has never heard of our stock market analysts and their cohorts in the ring.

And if you thought anyone in their senses would refrain from making further predictions, you are living in a fool’s paradise. I just came across a report that predicted a ‘precipitous’ fall in the market by December end. Good heavens! And the provocation? FIIs will take a Christmas vacation. Christ, forgive them, for they know not what they write!

Having been such a die-hard optimist and believer in market analysts for too long, if someone were to ask me, why did God create market analysts, I think I have a plausible answer, to save weather forecasters the blushes. In the course of this experience, I have picked up a few lessons too: when you invest your hard-earned money in the stock market, remember you are neither a bull nor a bear, but a plain ass.
(Epilogue: The writer was last seen loitering outside the offices of MCX and NCDEX, hoping to try his luck at the commodity exchanges)

nice goin

Our HERO WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.
Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Urmail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!
AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!

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happy new year to all !
murthymsr