Humor

JIMMtrader · #**221** 6th June 2006, 07:39 PM

Einstein Theory

Albert Einstein's birthday was March 14, 1879.

Few know that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,

After his first marriage dissolved in 1919,
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He Postulated that if you are attracted to women well endowed,
the attraction Is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

Sorry Guys, Decided it was time for a diversion from the monotony & Pain of the Markets BEARS

pkjha30 · #**222** 8th June 2006, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rd

A policeman stops a car and asks the driver,"why're you doing 130kmph, sir?
"I think your Speed detector is Faulty," says the driver."MY car was in automatic cruise control, locks at 60 kmph."

Don't be silly,dear," says the driver's wife. "This car has no cruise control," As the cop writes out the ticket, the man growls at his wife, "can you keep quite?"

The cop frowns and says "I also notice that you're not wearing your seatbelt,sir"
"Well,I was," says the driver. "But I took it off when you stopped me."

"Now ,dear, you know very well you never wear your seat belt," says his wife. As the officer writes out a second ticket, the man shouts,"shut up,silly woman!"

Does your husband always talk to you like this?" the policeman asks the wife.
"Oh, no," she says. "Only when he's been drinking."

by Janice Wilson

innocent and will pass toughest of the censor board.

Pankaj

pkjha30 · #**223** 8th June 2006, 11:36 PM

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth Rs.3000 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth Rs.10.50.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

And a nice one to suit the occasion

Quote:

One day, little Guddu asks his father AMIT question, "Dad, what is the Stock Market?"
"Guddu," replies AMIT, "you’re too young to understand. Later."
"I am not that young," says Guddu, "I want to know now."
"Please, wait a few years, then you will understand better."
"Dad, I don't want to start life poor, like you did, selling second-hand furniture. That’s why I want to know now"
"Alright, already," said AMIT, "It's like this. You buy two chickens and the two chickens lay eggs. So, next year, you have thirty chickens. These thirty chickens then all lay eggs and these eggs turn into chickens. So you end up having thousands of chickens and you’re well off. You see, this is the stock market. You understand, Guddu?"
"Yes, Dad."
"And then, one day, the sky opens up and it rains. It rains like in the days of Noah. The floods come and they wash away all the chickens until they drown and you then have only two or three chickens left. You see, this is the stock market - you should have bought ducks."

pankaj

vachhanipm · #**224** 9th June 2006, 12:57 AM

hi there

Excellent one !!!

Pankaj

pkjha30 · #**225** 10th June 2006, 12:43 AM

Net Find

NASA Comes to the Rescue...

(Allegedly A True Story)

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."

Pankaj

pkjha30 · #**226** 10th June 2006, 12:49 AM

Quote:

Red Herring Prospectus

There Ought to be More Prospectuses Like This...

Note: the following is "Copyright 1998-2000, IPS Advisory, Inc., Fund Advisor. All rights reserved." Though I have not sought permission to include this here, this piece has been circulating on the internet for some time and I hope that the free plug makes everything OK.

Risks of Investing in IPS Millennium Fund

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For investors or other interested parties who would like to request a prospectus or other information, please go to the Prospectus Web page, or contact Shareholder Services at 800.249.6927 or info@ipsfunds.com.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plain Language Risk Disclosure

First of all, stock prices are volatile. Well, duh. If you buy shares in a stock mutual fund, any stock mutual fund, your investment value will change every day. In a recession most fund shares will go down, day after day, week after week, month after month, until you are ready to tear your hair out, unless you've already gone bald from worry.

It will insist on this even if Gandhi, Jefferson, John Lennon, Einstein, Merlin and Golda Meir all manage the thing. Stock markets show remarkably little respect for people or their reputations. Furthermore, if the fund has really been successful, you might be buying someone else's whopping gains when you invest, on which you may have to pay taxes for returns you didn't earn. Just try and find somewhere you don't, though. Dismal.

While the long-term bias in stock prices is upward, stocks enter a bear market with amazing regularity, about every 3 - 4 years. It goes with the territory. Expect it. Live with it. If you can't do that, go bury your money in a jar or put it in the bank and don't bother us about why your investment goes south sometimes or why water runs downhill. It's physics, man.

Aside from the mandatory boilerplate terrorizing above, there are risks that are specific to the IPS Millennium Fund you should understand better. Since most people don't read the Prospectus (this isn't aimed at you, of course, just all those other investors), we thought we'd try a more innovative way to scare you.

We buy scary stuff. You know, Internet stocks, small companies. These things go up and down like pogo sticks on steroids. We aren't a sector tech fund, we are a growth & income fund, but right now the Internet is where we think most of the value is. While we try to moderate the consequent volatility by buying electric utility companies, Real Estate Investment Trusts, banks and other widows-and-orphans stuff with big dividend yields, it doesn't always work. Even if we buy a lot of them. Sometimes we get killed anyway when Internet and other tech stocks take a particularly big hit. The "we" is actually a euphimism for you, got it?

We also get killed if interest rates go up, because that affects high dividend companies badly. Since rising interest rates affect everything badly, we could get killed even worse if the Fed raises rates, or the economy in general experiences higher interest rates beyond the control of those in control, or gets out of control. Whatever.

Many of the companies we buy are growing really fast. Like, 50% - 100% per year sales growth. Many of them also don't make any money, although they may be relatively large companies. That means they have silly valuations by traditional valuation techniques. We don't know what that means any more than you do, because we have never seen anything like the Internet before. So we might overpay for these companies, thinking we are really smart and can get away with it because they are growing so fast. It doesn't take a whole lot for these companies to drop 50% or more, because nobody else knows what they are worth either. Received Wisdom can turn on a dime in this business, and when that happens prices fall off a cliff.

Even if we were really smart and stole these companies, if their prices run way up we are still as vulnerable as if we were really dumb and paid that high a price for them to start with. If we sell them, you will get pretty irritated with us come tax time, so we try not to do any more of that than we have to. The pole of that strategy, though, is that if we are really successful, you will have a lot of downside risk in a recession or a bear market. Bummer.

Governments and politicians being what they are, they also tend to monkey with things. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not, but that's beside the point. Occasionally they take aim on an entire industry, like telecommunications or electricity power generation. Understandably, this makes folks jumpy. Jumpy people have a regrettable tendency to sell stuff until they calm down. Really jumpy folks sell lots of stuff, and some of it could be ours. If this line of thinking makes you jumpy too, then go see your banker. Bankers specialize in jumpy folks.

Finally, if you haven't already grabbed the phone and started yelling at your broker to sell our fund as fast as possible, you should understand the shifting sands of technology. It doesn't take billions of dollars to start a high tech company, like it did U.S. Steel or Ford Motor. Anybody can do it, and everybody does. Many of our companies are small, even though they dominate their market niche. It's much easier for a new technology to blow one of our companies out of the water than it was in the old days of canal, mining, railroad and steel companies.

Just so you know. Don't come crying to us if we lose all your money, and you wind up a Dumpster Dude or a Basket Lady rooting for aluminum cans in your old age.

Please e-mail us if we haven't scared you enough, and we'll try something else.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Copyright 1998-2000, IPS Advisory, Inc., Fund Advisor. All rights reserved.

On the Net

Pankaj

pkjha30 · #**227** 10th June 2006, 09:38 AM

Titbits from the net

Quote:

Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?
A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute.

How did all the daytraders manage to fit under the limbo bar at their party? They had all gone short!

A study of markets usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is yesterday!

Here is an interesting photo I came across on the net. Its a group photo of Founders of Microsoft with tag Line

"Would you have invested/"

Identify Bill Gates in the photo. Rest of them are legend any way.
Pankaj

murthymsr · #**228** 10th June 2006, 10:52 PM

Open Microsoft Word and type:

=rand (200,99)

and then hit ENTER

This is something pretty cool..!

Worth a check..! try it..!

Microsoft team couldn't answer why this happened and they
add a prize of
$100,000 to the
person who could answer this...

Try it out yourself...

************************
collected from the net.
i am not sure of the second part, but i enjoyed (?) / surprised at the first part.

you too may try.
if any of the SW gurus throws some light, i will be thankful.

murthymsr

cemcompusoft · #**229** 10th June 2006, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by murthymsr

Open Microsoft Word and type:

=rand (200,99)

and then hit ENTER

This is something pretty cool..!

Worth a check..! try it..!

Microsoft team couldn't answer why this happened and they
add a prize of
$100,000 to the
person who could answer this...

Try it out yourself...

************************
collected from the net.
i am not sure of the second part, but i enjoyed (?) / surprised at the first part.

you too may try.
if any of the SW gurus throws some light, i will be thankful.

murthymsr

It is not neccessary to enter 200 & 99. You may enter any number
=rand(x,y)
x - number of sentence
y - number of paragraph

cemcompusoft · #**230** 11th June 2006, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by murthymsr

Open Microsoft Word and type:

=rand (200,99)

and then hit ENTER

murthymsr

One more like this.....
If you are using win98....open notepad & type following exactly (or use copy paste) -



Now save this as TEST.htm

Now open TEST.htm with IEplorer

amazing

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