Humor

New Definitions


Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.

Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.

Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.

Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Level of Confidence:

Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

This is called Confidence!!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

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Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right
password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer : Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

HOW TO START YOUR DAY AT OFFICE WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ?

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2! . Name it "Boss "

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?



HAVE A NICE DAY

A For ...

Teacher : A for ?

student : Apple

Teacher : zor se bolo...!

student : JAY MATA DI...!!!

Maths Teacher: What is the fullform of MATHS.

Student: Mentaly Affected Teachers Harrasing Students.

new definitions
joint family: pooled individual pains unwanted and disconnected individual
pleasures unexhibited.

terrorist: friendly neighbourhood goon with a gang
activist: blackmailer on the present-hype bandwagon
CHOR: JO PAKADAA GAYA AUR KAAFI GHOOS NA DEY SAKAA

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second ...

Cheers

Here is the law of investment:
IF YOU WANT TO INVEST IN A STOCK AND DONT INVEST, ITS PRICE WILL ZOOM. MOMENT U DECIDE TO INVEST, IT WILL PLUNGE.
SRINI

Banta Singh's Letter to Bill Gates

Dear Mr Bill Gates,


This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column,

only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We

checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.

Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what

the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to

"sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but

unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as i have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So i suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my

home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

10. Hey ye kya hi, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad lekhin there is only one icon with 'MY Computer', remaining

ka kya huwa?

11. Are ye to kamal hi aap bole raha hi ki 'MY Pictures' lekhin there is not even single photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that.

12. There is 'Startup' when u will provide 'Enddown'.

13. is that 'NOTEPEN' available in system? As I find only 'NOTEPAD' , tell me fast as I lost me PEN.

14. there is 'Winzip' what about 'Lossopen'.

15. There is 'WIN AMP' what about 'Win VOLT ', 'WinRESISTANCE '.

16. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME'